Is that a T in your pocket?

Exchange geeky handshakes, spank each other's butts, and say "Wazzaaap?" to the Mr. T In Your Pocket. According to the product description: "Is someone giving you trouble? Is someone backtalking you? You need Mr. T on your side! Soon you'll be pitying the fool who starts jibber-jabbering! Mr. T is famously known for his role as Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus in the 1980s television series The A-Team and for wearing an excessive amount of gold jewelry. Just hearing his voice strikes fear and evokes respect!" Ooooh! I'm trembling with fear already!


Imagine how life would be a lot easier with Mr. T In Your Pocket. Got crank callers breathing heavily and whispering, "Dude, what color are your briefs?" Or suspicious that your seatmate on public transpo will mug you because he's toting a backpack, bolo, and has two other companions with hankies covering half of their faces? Fear not; whip out your Mr. T In Your Pocket and make your enemies shit in their pants!


The product utters six lines: "I pity the fool," "Don't gimme no back talk sucka," "Quit your jibba jabba," "Don't make me mad (with a growl)," "First name mister, middle name period, last name T," and "Shut up, fool!" And so, I thought, for everyone's safety and the good of mankind, why not make other varieties of the Mr. T In Your Pocket? Here are some versions I'd like to pitch:


Dr. Phil In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "Life has its ups and downs, like the sunrise and sunset, and what is shining in our hearts is where our strength to move on lies, just like the grass. Thus we may achieve what we only dream of in our lifetime, which is the very essence of living life to the fullest."
- "I'll tell on you to Oprah."
- "I'm a woman trapped in a fat, bald man's body. Hug me. Tight."




David Blaine In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "I can snatch a watch through a glass window. Imagine what I can do to your heart."
- "You'll never be taller than me, shorty. You can't levitate now, can you? Loser!"
- "I'm the devil's long lost son."



George W. Bush In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "Don't you ever misunderestimate my strength!"
- "I will make your life as miserable as that guy who mocked me with his documentary... What was that again? Ah, Super Size Me!"
- "Would you like me to save your country?"



Tom Cruise In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "Wooooh! Wooooooh!!! WOOOHOOOOO!!!! HOOWOOOH!!!"
- "Scientology! Scientology! Scientology!"
- "Boo!"



Michael Jackson In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "Just watch me crinkle my nose."
- "I can give you 732,812,739 skin care tips."
- "I would like to babysit your children."



Steven Seagal In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "Touch my hair and die."
- "I will write, direct, and star in my own movie."
- "I'll make you watch all of my movies. Each. And. Every. One. Of. Them. No bathroom breaks."



Uma In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
- "Hi, I'm Uma."
- "Pare, pa-kiss."
- "Mwah!"




Chuck Norris In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by simply doing this pose. Heeeeyaaaa!!!

Or by (pun coming up) chucking (Chuck-ing! Get it? Hardeeharhar I'm so witty) this videotape to their faces.












Richard Simmons In Your Pocket

Will make the bad guys flee for their lives by saying:
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