Thursday, April 12, 2007

Eric Fructuoso kisses and tells

Because a has-been like Eric Fructuoso isn't material meaty enough for a post, I cannot write anything about him without mentioning his former group, the Gwapings. And so I scoured the net for photos of the defunct pogi boy group...and failed miserably. Try it: Go to Google Images, type "Gwapings", and voila! Nothing! Well, except for a couple of loser photos and even some so horrific they could only be images of HELL.

Bugs Bunny was so horny he'd hump an Easter egg basket

(No, really. These pictures popped up on Google Images when I searched for the Gwapings) Anyway, so where was I? Ah, yes, Eric Fructuoso.

Apparently, like most dumbasses desperate to revive their non-existent showbiz careers, this sleaze-meister apparently was on DJ Mo Twister's "Forbidden Questions" segment. And being the douche that he is, he just had to kiss and tell—by revealing the names of the actresses he's slept with—as if his mommy would pinch his bird if he didn't. According to PEP:

One of the earlier questions asked sa "Forbidden Questions" was if he had slept with anyone famous, Eric answered more than his fingers. Nang ipina-enumerate na sa kanya, ang mga isinagot ni Eric ay si Ara, along with Abby Viduya (Priscilla Almeda na ngayon), Joyce Jimenez, at Aubrey Miles. Nagpatiuna pa nga si Eric na hindi raw dapat "slept with" kundi "making love" dahil may respeto siya sa mga babaeng nakasiping niya.

You know what's the most hilarious thing about this whole shit? The word "siping." Say it with me: siping. Si-ping. Siping! Siping! Siping!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Halle Berry gets emo

Because having a rocking body and being rich is not enough reason to go on living, Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry divulged that she indeed considered committing suicide. In an article on, it says:

"Berry, 40, admits to Parade magazine that she tried to gas herself when her fiery union to Atlanta Braves baseball star David Justice collapsed, but pulled out at the last minute."

Say what? She tried to gas herself? She wanted to kill herself with gas? Can't imagine what that's like? Allow me to help you visualize what Ms. Halle would've done.

Step 1: Make friends with a taco-eating, burrito-wielding Mehikano. Make sure you're like BFFs and shit.

Step 2: BFFs go out and all, so, go out and all. Pretend to be fascinated with his culture so if he asks where you want to eat, tell him, "I want your people's food."

Step 3: Eat with much gusto, then ask for extra beans. Because you want to eat your burrito just like your friend's "people."

Bigote: sexy

Step 4: Strip down to your underwear. Do some exercises to jiggle the beans in your digestive system. Have a paper bag within reach. When you feel the air come out, position the paper bag on your ass.

Step 5: Then just gas yourself.

That's what Halle Berry could've done. But maybe she chickened out at the last minute because she couldn't find it in her heart to ruin her diet with a burrito. Or make friends with a Mexican.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Some dude broadcasts his virginity

Tacky seat covers double as men's blouses;
and the guy at the back is so appalled he has to close his eyes as he cringes

In the tradition of posts about reality artista search dudes doing really stupid things, enter Fred Payawan. Fred who? Panopio? No! Payawan.

According to a PEP article bluntly titled Fred Payawan Admits He Is Still A Virgin, apparently that Fred person was in DJ Mo Twister's "Forbidden Questions" segment and, you guessed it, he admitted that his pee-pee has remained untouched—by another person/woman/man/animal. And before going smart-ass on me and insisting that the Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition isn't a reality search (yeah, that's where Freddie's from—just found out now, too), don't tell me all the kids there joined for the sake of "experience."

So, yeah, anyway, he's announced he hasn't been laid his entire life. But I'm guessing people are more baffled about who the fuck this person is.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Gifts for your materialistic GF

Michael Jackson FINALLY had a sex change

In behalf of the female population, I apologize to all the boyfriends in the world who have gold-digging biatches for girlfriends. However, I make no apologies for your stupidity in not knowing the difference between her hand going for your crotch and her hand going for your wallet when you're watching a movie or something.

But I won't tell you to break up with her. Because I don't want this to be an emo post. Instead, here's a practical guide for alternative gifts whenever your money hoe demands for the blingy shit.

No. 1: Expensive lingerie

She says expensive lingerie makes her feel sexy and therefore, when she feels sexy, she'll do you. Hard. Which is odd, because ripping off her So-en panties with your mouth should be more than enough to get her loins burning. Anyway, so she doesn't want Victoria's Secret. She wants the more upscale Agent Provocateur because she can't pronounce it correctly, therefore, it must be classy. But an Agent Provocatuuuyyyr bra costs about US$155. What to do? Get her...

Only US$20, this giant melon-holder is huge enough to knock her unconscious when you flick it at her. Then she'll have amnesia and suddenly forget all that crap about sexy lingerie making her feel randy (not Santiago). Best of all, when you hang it on your clothesline, your male neighbors will absolutely die with envy that you're screwing a chick such huge-ass knockers.

No. 2: Diamond earrings

Because diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend. Never mind that they're mined by malnourished Africans and given to corrupt militia groups who use the money to buy more guns and shit. So, in the spirit of fighting poverty, best get...

Unicorn earrings
! Yey! They're only US$5.99 and your shallow girlfriend will absolutely gush at the sight of those horses with dicks on their heads. Because cutesy stuff will always get stupid chicks giddy. Like butterflies! And shit!

No. 3: Louis Vuitton bag

For some reason, an ugly US$965 bag will make her feel she looks nicer when rhinoplasty costs about the same amount. Stupid. But you think she looks awesome even without the bag (and especially without the clothes), right? And you will not pay for no stupid noselift, yes? Then get her this bag instead...

It's so hideous that when she opens it and sees the unicorn earrings inside it, she'll be so shocked at the change from super duper ugly to uber cutesy-cutesy she'd be moved to tears! Hooray!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

American Idol does the Philippines

"He farted, not I!"

This season of American Idol is a snoozefest. Of course there are undeniably talented contestants—not to mention the token rocker, the token sex symbol, the token talented big black singer, and the token sucky singer. (And of course, I'll still watch each and every episode) But the funny thing is, even if some of AI's singers suck, they sing way better than some of our very own reality TV slash singing contest winners. See, here in the Philippines, I absolutely don't get why everyone's trying to sound like Regine Velasquez. Is being an overrated singer like the measure of singing success here? There's a difference between a high-pitched shriek and singing, you know.

But anyway, you know what would be awesome? If the AI judges Randy, Paula, and Simon would drag their asses over here to critique the crap out of our talent contest winners. Oh! And whaddayaknow? They just did!

Terenterenten terenteren tereeeeen (or whatever that sounds like the AI theme song)...

Ryan Seacrest: First up, we have Sheryn Regis singing "Come In Out Of The Rain"!

Randy: Ya know, it was aiiiight. A little pitchy in some spots, it wasn't bad. Just a little pitchy. It was just okay for me, dawg.

Paula: *hic!* First, I have to say that you look beautiful tonight. Your dress, jewelry, makeup, and especially the cosmetic surgery. You look beautiful! *hic!*

Simon: Wendy Moten, the original voice behind the song, is probably wailing wherever she is right now. Remember, this is a singing competition, not a shouting competition. Very karaoke, it was ghastly!

Ryan Seacrest: Next is Rachelle Ann Go, performing "Don't Cry Out Loud."

Randy: Yeah, well, it was an okay performance. Watch out for your vibrato when you go, "Don't cry out loud. Just keep it insayiyiyiyide," ya know? You're not Axl Rose. For me dawg, it didn't really blow me away. It was just, ya know, aiiiight.

Paula: Wow, that dress! You look so beautiful. You're radiant. You really shine on stage. You look like a star. Your rhinoplasty is terrific. *hic!*

Simon: I don't mean to be rude, but it was very cabaret, too karaoke for me, very unoriginal, like a performer in some Filipino singing contest. Uhm, yeah.

Ryan Seacrest: Now here's Jonalyn Viray with "Get Here."

Randy: There were a couple of pitch problems here and there. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't just working for me. It was just aiiight, dawg.

Paula: You look amazing tonight. That dress looks incredible on you. You're a beautiful person in and out.

Simon: It was just okay. You sing okay, you hit the notes, but you're completely forgettable. What's your name again? Jonalyn? Maybe if you spell it with an H, people would remember you.

Ryan Seacrest: Let's welcome Frenchie Dy with "Raindrops Will Fall."

Randy: Props to our background singers! Listen, Frenchie, ya know, it was an okay performance. A little pitchy in some spots, ya know, you don't have to oversing some parts. It wasn't that good for me. It was aiiight.

Paula: [Cries] Whatever these guys say, you look absolutely stunning. You're beautiful! *hic!*

Simon: The dress, the song, they make you look older. Let's be honest here, it just wasn't that good and I think you'll be in trouble tomorrow. And truly, raindrops will fall as the heavens will cry their bloody eyes out after that awful performance.

Ryan Seacrest: And last but not the least, Erik Santos with "This Is The Moment."

Randy: It was good, a little pitchy in some spots, but it was aiiight.

Paula: Teehee! You're cute! *hic!*

Simon: You will sell more albums than any Idol contestant in the face of the planet—if you promise to include naked pictures of yourself and your crushes Sam Milby and Piolo Pascual doing yoga or something in your album cover.