Exclusive sneak peek into K-Fed's book!

It's bad enough that clowns like Paris Hilton, Macaulay Culkin, and Dan Brown have actually written books. Like real ones that are displayed on Powerbooks to be scanned while waiting for someone or those that losers wield in coffee shops or the MRT to simulate intelligence. Now, lo and behold, Mr. Britney Spears himself aka Kevin Federline is planning to write a book about himself. K-Fed tells The New York Post, "It will be a biography of my life until I met my wife, so people will better understand who I am." I'm guessing the content will be as fascinating as a jar of flour (and can be summarized in one sentence: I was poor and when I married Britney Spears minus a prenup—bam!—I've become filthy rich and spend my time gambling my now fat wife's hard-earned money) but then, the composition will definitely make it more interesting. Fo shizzle.

For once in his life, John Cena didn't fake it.

And because I'm such a resourceful bitch, I got a hold of a few excerpts from the book and will share it only with all six of you. No need to thank me.

Chapter 1

"Wen I wuz 10 years old, I lurnd how to do da Running Man wen I saw MC Hammer on TV. That day, I thot to mahself, 'When I grow up, I will be da next MC Hammer and do da Running Man on national TV'. My momma heard me (becuz I wuz da type who annowingly murmurs when he iz thinkin) and told me to shut da fuck up becoz dancing will not feed me. That day, I also thot to myself, 'I'll show her!' but den she heard me again and whackd mah head with a frying pan."

Chapter 5

"After three years of practis, I finaly lurnd to do da Running Man. I showd it to mah momma and she dint whack mah head with a frying pan. She use chopping bord. I think I dummer."

Chapter 10

"I finaly met Britnee Spears, the gurl I hold mah peepee to wen I see on Disney Channel when I wuz stil uncircumcised (still am). She hav short arms but she hot. And with many money like Richie Rich. We dance togeder on her concert and I felt like it wuz juz the two of us on stage. I felt dancin very close to her, as der was only the black cloth of da backstage in betwin us in front of me. She mah ticket to have like Godzilla-big car and a giant house dream gurl."

Chapter 12

"I ask Britnee to merry me. She ask if I want prenupchal agreement but I sed no—not becoz I dint want it, but becoz I dint know wut shit dat wuz. And becoz she wil find out I duno how to hold a pen. Whew! She dint notice becoz she too busy tryin to convince me to wear pants."

Chapter 15

"Britnee getin fatter, I duno why, becoz I da one always on couch wachin infomershals over beer and pop tarts. I make mah own album becoz I know I rap better dan M&M."