Match.com rocks!

Oh my God. Match.com is the shiznit! A co-worker told me that one of our bosses’ profile was up on the site and since it was reeking of blackmail potential, I was dying to check it out using my office computer during office hours with the risk of him seeing me gawking at his profile. Unfortunately, I never found it. However, fortunately (or was it unfortunately?), I stumbled upon other gems that were apt for a Halloween post.


Mumu No. 1: “Im a simple kind of person, i dont look much on how people see you in your outside look or even your age ...all i need is a gurl who love to be with me anytime and fun to be with...Just try seing me.”

But what he actually meant was: “I love seeing my nipples poke through the sheer material of my black sando. My pastimes include pouring bottled water down my chest, getting high on the smell of pomade, and singing psalms to a photo of Jinggoy Estrada.”

Mumu No. 2: “THIS IS WHAT I LIKE........... SPORTS, SURFING THE NET, COOKING, CHATING, MEETING FRIENDS SPECIALY GIRLS. I STAND 5'6 HIGH, BROWN EYES MORENO HHAHAHAHAH. I LIKE COMPUTERS, MUSIC(RnB., ROCK, OPM)”

But what he actually meant was: “That thing on my head? I wear that as a tube top when mama’s not looking. I used to masturbate to the Universal Motion Dancers and the Streetboys dancing on Eat Bulaga. Now I get off to Hale.”

Mumu No. 3: “Nastyrattlesnake here! I'm looking for a woman who's got a great sense of humor and got ‘all that’. Think you're the one?? Feel free to hit me up if you got what it takes.”

But what he actually meant was: “I hope my cheap camo hat and 30-peso sunglasses will distract people from seeing my double-chin. I also belong to the church of Jinggoy.”

Mumu No. 4: “I am not that good in looks but I'm definitely true inside with clean soul. It's not the good looks but how handling itself. Better with good sense of humor and can perform balancing and handling situations…”

But what he actually meant was: “I’ve never seen a vagina in my entire life.”

Mumu No. 5: “i'm 5'7... i have straight black hair.. my best features for me is my eyes i think. my style of clothing is modern or anything that makes me comfortable.”

But what he actually meant was: “I am Jinggoy’s evil twin.”

I'm effin' prettier than Lindsay Lohan!

The starlet couldn't afford decent skin care after spending all her dough on rebonding.

For once in my life, I can say with conviction that I'm prettier than Lindsay Lohan. I'M PRETTIER THAN LINDSAY LOHAN! At least based on this photo (taken during an Xbox event last week). Sure, she still has hooters huge enough to land on her tummy once she gives birth, but damn, in this picture, she sure is ugly. Like thanks-to-Kevin-Federline Britney Spears ugly.

Four words: Say no to drugs! She looks like one of those actresses in paparazzi shots where they go to the grocery toting their babies without makeup—even when Lindsay's actually wearing makeup in this picture. And she's not on her way to the grocery. Oddly, with all the money she has, she must at least afford the facial wash, toner, and moisturizer that I use to make my skin look way better than hers. Oh, Lindsay, where has the cute little girl from The Parent Trap gone?

Where?!? Oh well, I'm sure she was back to her old, hot, jack-offable self by the next day—or at least once the hangover's gone kaput (or she's had too much boogers on her nose to sniff anything). But at least I can look back and say that once upon a time, on a very good day (for me and a very bad one for her), I was fucking prettier than Lindsay Lohan.

"We're not gay"

And what scene sparked those rumors that Matthew "Salma Hayek Dumped Me" McConaughey and Lance "I Dumped Sheryl Crow When She Had Cancer And Oh, I Had Testicular Cancer Too" Armstrong were more than friends again?

Celebrity A-listers can't afford "air cool" sandos

Isn't it enough that they do everyfuckingthing together like high-pitched, giggly, and clingy girl best friends who have never had boyfriends since birth? But why, oh why, do they have to go jogging together shirtless? Shirtless! Is an extra .0098238mm of cloth enough to cause them to slow down by 1.32408 seconds? It's Fall in the US! It's not even supposed to be hot, damn it! Unless of course they've got the hots for each other. I'm sorry, but they just look so fucking gay in this photo. Not that there's anything wrong about being gay, okay!

But in a recent interview, they denied that they were anything more than pals. But when you read the article, you'd raise your eyebrows at lines like Lance's "Our friendship just kind of developed." Or worse, Matthew's "I have a great friend in him. I’d do anything he asked me to, even though he’d probably never ask me to, and he feels the same way." How sweet. How gay. Not that there's anything wrong about being one, okay!

I mean, heck, even if they deny that they're sweethearts, Lance and Matt (yeah, we're tight) can give each other mind-blowing blowjobs and have rough anal sex if they wanted to, right? (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Okay I can throw up now.

This blog sucks

But first, is this: a) a yellow guitar with no strings that suspiciously looks like a tennis racket; b) a Teflon yellow frying pan that suspiciously looks like a tennis racket; or c) okay, a freaking yellow tennis racket.

Of course, the answer is "none of the above." Believe it or not, this little doodad is an electric fly swatter. As the product description goes, "This electric tennis racket fly killer easily kills all flying insects such as mosquitos, flies, and wasps etc, just by swatting them the shock kills all insects." I'm guessing whacking someone in the head using it will kill him, too.

Seeing a gadget like this reminds me how much crap this blog is. And just like cow shit, this blog is, well, nilalangaw. Of course diss-anything.blogspot.com is barely even two weeks old. So really, I'm just being an impatient bitch. Nevertheless, a big shout-out to the kind bloggers who have been thoughtful enough to leave decent comments—and have unwittingly dissuaded me from tying a noose around my neck. So, forgive me for my sappiness, but thank you to nixxx, dexiejane, cyberpunk, ralphot, and miss diss anything—oh shit that's me. So, yeah, that's five people (sorry but I just have to include myself since five sounds a lot less pathetic. Okay, I'm pathetic).

Chicken!

The colored chicken was wrongfully accused of stealing mobile phones.

This is one useless shit that I want to have. I want this chicken! Give me the fucking chicken! Only for US$14, this kitschy son (okay, daughter) of an egg will "add style to [my] cellphone"! I WANT YOU, YOU OVERCOOKED CHICKEN INASAL! But wait! According to the website, it's already out of stock! Fucking A! 10 million other people all over the world beat me to my CHIIIICKEEEEEN!!!

Career death by DSL

Much has been said about the infamous PLDT DSL customer service agent that has made the brand name PLDT DSL worse than it already is. Of course I couldn't allow such a thing to go undissed. It's just so bad that it's too good to pass up.

But first, a comment from YouTube, where audio of the call was posted:

"[Username of person who uploaded the clip] SHOW UR ARE JUST INSECURE. You look for any target that is lower then you and you MAKE FUN OF THEM. That is what you do. Because I don't find your videos at ALL FUNNY. SO yes. After living the good life you take the joy by dissing your people who aren't living better then you to make you feel BETTER."

What the fuck?! Typos are understandable, but mangled grammar is just so wrong. Actually, you can't just make fun of people's grammar—unless these people make themselves easy targets by oh, I don't know, broadcasting how dreadful their English is by posting it on the Internet for all the freaking world to see. Why, oh why not just speak in Filipino instead?

Anyway, I digress (thanks to the distraction brought about by such distorted English). I don't know why people feel bad for the dumbass agent, because one thing's for sure: It's her fault. She obviously cursed at the customer and even had the gall to deny to high heavens that she ever did. Fucking liar. In fact, the customer wasn't even one you could consider a customer from hell. I have friends from call centers and trust me, there are far worse callers than that DSL guy. If anything, the little bitch is the customer service agent from hell.

Yes, her customer service skills were borne out of the (arm)pits of hell. What kind of call center agent would tell her caller, "Putang ina mo rin, ba't ka nagmumura? Wala akong magagawa kung..."—unprovoked? Defenders/friends/family/dumbass bitch herself would probably say that she probably just cracked under immense pressure. Wow, stress. To think it wasn't even 9AM yet. And please, if all call center agents snapped because of the demands of their work, then more than three-fourths of all call center companies in the Philippines would close down because of mass layoffs. It's Mini Stop's and 7-11's worst nightmare.

And when the little scoundrel started crying, that was such a classic. Sympathizers probably had the urge to run to her to comfort her. For crying out loud, I can't believe some people even comment that she's got a cute voice. Haven't these people ever encountered call center agents flaunting their newfound American accents in public? Those people sound cuter. Annoying, but at least not ugly- or low self-esteem-sounding.

Anywhow, as for everyone else (ergo, those with functioning wits), that crying episode was such a "good riddance" moment. Think of it this way: If you were that bitch, would you have done the same thing? Admit it, you wouldn't even resort to doing half the boo-boos that she committed during that call. If you were the caller, though, personally, I could've done worse that she would've cried her pathetic guts out more while having that sick urge in her stomach to throw herself in front of a speeding G-Liner. Or at least to never apply for a call center job ever again.

So, the moral of the story is: Don't be an idiot. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's this little thing called the mute button.

So, you want to be white?

What does it take to be white? Not just mestiza white, but you know, like bond paper white. I recently browsed Ebay.ph looking for unloved and unappreciated CDs (and okay, unloved and unappreciated designer clothes and bags, too), when I saw the listings for like a gazillion whitening products. There were like so many of them an entire municipality could turn Caucasian or albino in no time.

Apparently, there are many ways to get fair skin:

1. Magic – Magic cream, that is. And the funny thing is, there are actually “pirated” versions of this cream, thus the need for some brands to label theirs as “The Real” Magic cream. Apparently, “The Real” Magic cream whitens in as early as 5-8 days. In fairness to the product, though, it’s BFAD-approved. Like that actually means anything in this country, but hey, whatever.

The damage: P550 (approximately US$11). And I quote the exact product description on Ebay: “In cases of decline and sensitive skin reddening, mild itching, and short warm sensation may be felt during the third to seventh application. This reaction is normal and it means that the cream is working well on you.” Hey, isn’t that the same sensation you feel when you bathe in Clorox?

2. Mushrooms – Kojic acid comes from Japan. Kojic acid comes from several species of fungus, better known as mushrooms or that thing that makes your feet itchy as hell. Also, according to Wikipedia, “It is used on cut fruits to prevent oxidative browning, in seafood to preserve pink and red colors, and in cosmetics to lighten skin.” It’s confirmed: People and fresh squid have something in common. According to the Ebay.ph product description, “A fungal metabolic product, kojic acid inhibits the catecholase activity of tyrosinase, which is the rate-limiting, essential enzyme in the biosynthesis of the skin pigment melanin.” Sorry, but “fungal” is the only thing that I understood. Throw in some scientific jargon to sound more credible, eh?

The damage: P650 (approximately US$13) for a set, which includes soap, cream, astringent, and lotion. And again, as the product description goes: “Guaranteed result within 2 weeks of continuous use!” Okay, even if I end you end up smelling like, say, and athlete’s foot, that’s still considered a “result”, doesn’t it?

3. Drugs – There’s nothing more addicting than seeing your skin compete against oslo paper. In the cutthroat world of skin whitening products, you’ve got to aim for superlatives; if you want white skin, you’re just not white enough if you don’t look like humanized tofu. And the best way to achieve this is to start from the inside. Glutathione pills is considered a “master oxidant” and its side effect, get this, is the reduction of melanin. And supposedly, it has a lot of other health benefits, like prevention of cancer, heart disease, etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything in the supermarket has health benefits.

The damage: P800 to P1000 (approximately US$16 to $20) for a month’s supply, with the effect evident in two to three months, depending on how dark your skin is. Product note on Ebay.ph: “A person taking glutathione should take Vitamin C two to three times more than the dose of L-Glutathione. Why is Vitamin C needed? This is to keep Glutathione in its absorbable or reduced form. This will release the potential of Vitamin C’s derivatives whitening properties.” Okay, so one dose of Glutathione is about 1000mg. So you have to take like at least 4000mg of vitamin C? What the fuck? Unless you’re down with a cold, the maximum intake of vitamin C should be only 500mg a day (if you’re sick, 1500mg maximum). And you know what the side effect of vitamin C overdose is? Diarrhea. Like days of diarrhea. Now you know why those taking Glutathione are so fucking pale.

Hey, I’m not here to sermon anyone on the clichés of black is beautiful and all that patronizing shit. To be honest, I’m fucking glad I’ve got enough distant Chinese and Spanish genes to make me naturally fair. Besides, it’s not just that colonial mentality crap that’s to be blamed for people wanting to have fairer skin. Bluntly put, it just looks cleaner. I mean, a tan is A-okay—on those with light skin. Like tofu getting a bit burnt and looking yummier just like those breaded ones in Japanese restaurants.

But if you don’t care about skin whitening and embrace the way your skin is, then good for you! Your self-confidence will make you more attractive in other people’s eyes. But if you have the money to spend and the willingness to endure the side effects, who the hell am I to stop you?

Not so amazing

The misleading class photo couldn't reveal who's the shortest in the group.

There must be something wrong with this season of The Amazing Race because it’s been five episodes and five less teams yet I still am not passionately rooting for anyone. Which means something because I’ve been following The Amazing Race since season one.

At the beginning of the race, host Phil Keoghan revealed to racers that there will be twists in this season. Maybe this is one way to break the monotony of having an Nth edition of a reality show. Yeah, like moving from one country after another and being groped by locals on a jam-packed train isn’t exciting enough. Or seeing couples wash their dirty laundry on worldwide TV is a bore. Or hearing these people say politically incorrect things about the country they’re in (“Omigosh they’re so poor! We’re so lucky to be Americans with George W. Bush shitting our brains to submission to agree to annihilate every other country there is in the world!”).

Anyway, these twists apparently have backfired on the Amazing Race producers. Twist No. 1: The surprise elimination during the first episode. It wasn’t even the end of the leg but this brilliant idea of getting rid of a team in the middle of an episode is just pure idiocy. The result? Bilal and Sa’eed, Muslim brothers who were touted as one of the most watchable teams of the season, were eliminated. And the episode wasn’t even over yet.

Another problem is this season’s casting. There’s not one team that you’re inclined to like—you know, the type you’d love to be neighbors with. In other words, a lot of Amazing Race 10 contestants are just downright irritating. One or two annoying racers is okay, but a lot is just too many. Supposedly the two beauty queens should fall under the "nice" bracket, but come on, how can anyone adore a team of fit, competitive, and intelligent blondes—unless you've got a repressed dick between your legs? (Although it's a good thing the cheerleaders were eliminated for their likeability due to their appeal to the male sex organ as well).

As for the female viewers, whom can they drool on in the show? Male models Tyler and James? Come on, like being a former druggie earns brownie points in the same way that nice abs do. Unless you’ve got fantasies of getting it on in rehab, of course. Of course. With these two guys, too, there’s a nagging voice asking you, “Uhm, are they a couple?” Because really, they look good—together.

The other men, on the other hand, are more irksome than the women. Like on the level of a wife being annoying because she’s such a loud nag. That kind of irksome. Not that the women aren’t loudmouths either (Hey, Mary, reprazent!). But the guys, particularly Peter, makes you want to shove a drooled-on pillow down his fucking throat. Even when he’s not saying anything, his blank looks will drive you off the wall. For real. As for his partner Sarah, so, uhm, she’s got only one leg. Uh, oh-kay. For what it’s worth, a friend of mine has only one testicle. But anyhow, I should feel sorry for her, but if both of us were kidnapped by Philippine policemen-cum-kidnappers dressed as plainclothes policemen and had a chance to escape, guess who’d make it? Or guess who’d be stuck halfway panting her fucking lungs out?

As for the other teams, well, they’re just too blah. You don’t hate them, but you don’t like them enough to love them either. Bo. Ring. You’d even barely notice them throughout the show and remember them only when they get to the pit stop—“Oh! Those two! Fourth place! Those two!”. Unless they do something really, really stupid worth clapping to during the episode. But hey, there still are seven teams left. And the season still has up to the second week of December to work its way into our hearts. But I’m betting that the only way the show can achieve that is if the remaining teams just let loose and be stupid.

Ohana my butt

I meant Ohana, the new resto in SM Megamall, not "family" as it means in the Hawaiian language. There's this new eating place beside Yellow Cab in Megamall second floor building A, Ohana Hawaiian BBQ, which boasts of, you guessed it, Hawaiian barbecue and what-have-you. What the hell's so Hawaiian about the place, anyway? The attendants wear Hawaiian shirts, yes, but they look more like floral shirts Mayor Lito Atienza would wear. They don't even have leis to look more authentic. Not all of the food they serve even have pineapples. Fakers!

My boyfriend and I only tried it out because it was like sparkling new and I was freaking hungry. Like cranky hungry. Once you enter the restaurant, you so know that the smell will cling onto you like a blood-parched leech. Good thing there are seats outside the resto, though. My boyfriend ordered the pork katsu thingy, and I, the very unoriginal pork barbecue. It was a semi self-service place so you go line up at the counter and wait for your food at your table. My boyfriend got his food after a few minutes. And because he's a nice guy (who wasn't as hungry as I was), he waited for my food to arrive before taking a bite of his fancy-named breaded porkchop.

A free bookmark slash

reminder to never again.

We were talking and talking so we didn't notice that I wasn't served my food yet, even after 30 minutes of waiting. I'm not exagerrating. 30 minutes. It's not as if we were in some fancy resto. Not even, say, Teriyaki Boy or Italiannis serve food that long. So my boyfriend went up to the counter to follow-up my order. Okay, so Ohana was probably only a few days old when we went there yesterday, so it's quite understandable that they'd screw up somehow. The thing is, however, they never even apologized for the delay. Not a "sorry" or even just a "pasensya na." Nothing. Nothing! Can you believe it? Not even a pretense of admission of wrongness? And to think they probably wouldn't have served my food if my boyfriend didn't kill them with sarcasm (they should be thankful, though, that he didn't do worse). We both knew why they were so unaccommodating; my boyfriend and I look younger than we really are and thus weren't given the respect we deserved as much as all other paying customers. Fakers. Fuckers. I knew I earned more than those other older-looking folks in the place.

The most unbelievable thing, however, is my food wasn't even warm when it was served! It would've had more heat if I had just left my plate out on the street in the afternoon. In fairness, the food wasn't bad. I don't know, maybe it would've been warm if they had served it, oh I don't know, like 25 minutes earlier. Those wannabe Hawaiians slash Friday's-Italianni's-Fish & Co. rejects should be grateful that because they served my food like ten million years later, I was too hungry to notice if it tasted good or bad. But then, anything barbecued is good, anyway.

I'm really patient with food servers; I've always been afraid of having disgruntled attendants spit on my food. If these Ohana people had only apologized for taking so long to serve my not-so-special-in-execution pork barbecue, I wouldn't have even written this. And I wouldn't have sworn not to eat there ever again.

+

I don't care if the real Ohana folk (those that own the US franchise) check their website's referring pages and see this post (that's oozing with links to their site). They better give their Filipino partners a good lecture (or better yet, a good ass whipping) on customer service.

My second "first post"

Now to set the right tone for this blog, scrap my first post (the actual one) altogether off your minds and read this instead.

Anyway, I'm the type who easily gets carried away with TV ads, posters, and anything that has everything to do with companies wooing (more of duping, really) suckers into buying their products. Needless to say, if Jerry Maguire got Renee Zellweger's character at "hello," this poster right here did it for me. I'm a sucker, I know.

It wasn't even hunger that enticed me into shelling P100 (roughly US$2) for a Beef Supreme McRice Burger meal. It was sheer curiosity. And that damn poster. Admit it, the burgers do look delicious in this photo.

It's a good thing that I got the burger with fries, as I waited seven minutes (that's what they said, but I think it was longer) for my takeout dinner. Yes, the fries were gone by the time I got my McRice burger. Anyway, looks-wise, take a good, hard look at the photo above again.

Then look at the real thing.

The burger from hell looked hungrier than its master.

In all fairness, it tastes better than it looks. The rice is soft and the burger patty tender. I also enjoyed the barbecue sauce that complemented, the oiliness, er, tenderness of the whole thing. Its cardboard packaging also gets points for the simple fact that it's a considerate add-on. But then, it's probably one of the reasons it isn't exactly cheap, anyway.

All in all, it's quite good, considering I wasn't really hungry when I bought it. It's as good as that pseudo ribs thing that they used to serve (beef patties shaped into ribs). It's not exactly meant as a compliment, but hey, it means that it's not bad either. The funny (and almost irksome) thing about it, however, is that even with the nice packaging and all, you'll end up wanting to use a spoon and fork when you're two-thirds into your McRice burger. Because trust me; things are going to get quite messy.

My first post

This is my first post, though this is my second blog. My first blog (which from here on I shall refer as MFB) is still active, but I want to do something entirely different with this one. My identity in MFB is kept secret from this one, and vice versa. So, yeah, it's like I'm two-timing my own visitors. Like anyone cares.

I want to make this one thematic. This will revolve around me doing one thing that I know I do well: dissing, er, reviewing anything under the sun. You may ask, who the fuck are you and why should I give a shit about your opinion? If you find yourself reading this paragraph, though, well then there's your answer. You just. Can't. Help. It.

Everyone's entitled to his or her opinion—especially me, since this is my blog, anyway. It's not that I'm pessimistic or an ace at finding fault at anything I lay my eyes on. It's more of being honest. I don't actively look for a thing or a person's shortcomings; if it's there, I'll go on ahead and say it. And at the same time, if there's something good about something, then I'll say it as well. In short, I'll simply state the obvious—brutally. If you don't like what you read, then don't read it for heaven's sake.

Well, as the Billy Joel song goes, "Honesty Is Such A Lonely Word" (okay, so I didn't know it was his song until I Googled it). Now the song's stuck in my head.

Anyway, hopefully I get to update this daily or at least more than thrice a week. So, here goes my first review...

* * *

What on earth is this? a) An iPod-powered mini fluorescent lamp. b) A mini fluorescent lamp-powered iPod. Okay, you know how multiple choice questions go; the answer is almost always "none of the above."

Well the answer is, OhMiBod...it's an OhMiBod iPod-powered vibrator! The product's website couldn't have put it so succinctly: "Everyone loves music. Everyone loves sex. OhMiBod combines music and pleasure to create the ultimate acsexsory™ to your iPod." So I haven't actually held the product so I can't, uhm, review it as objectively as, uhm, possible.

Interestingly, the "man substitute" vibrates along with the rhythm of the songs you're playing. Which makes me wonder: What songs do you think would yield the most desirable effect?

a) Celine Dion's "All By Myself"

b) Air Supply's "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"

c) Olivia Newton-John's "Physical"

d) Elvis' "Are You Lonesome Tonight"?

Okay, by now you know how most multiple choice questions go; if the answer isn't "none of the above," it's gotta be "all of the above." But hey, if you've got other ideas, just throw 'em in.

But now I'm worried. Hopefully you guys understand that discussing a freaking vibrator won't make you assume that I'm setting the tone of this blog. Please focus on the technology, not the, well, purpose. Yeah, as if you'll listen. Screw it; I'm writing another "My first post" post to resolve any wrong assumptions, if any.

Oh, and if you guys have anything for me to review, just leave a link or email missdissanything@gmail.com. Spam me and you'll die.