John and Jessica sitting in a tree...

Edward Scissorhands forgot to wear eyeliner

So, apparently John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are fucking each other's brains out. Now if that first sentence is too uncouth for your goody-goody senses, what I meant was John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are dating. And probably fucking each other's brains out. Not that Jessica needs any degree of wild shagging to get her brains expelled by her body, but you get my drift.


For some reason, though, this bothers me. Because John Mayer scares me. And the thought of his fat ass crooning "Your Body Is A Wonderland" to Jessica in bed makes me picture nothing else but a sex offender about to get his filthy hands on a poor girl with a gag over her mouth. With her father (yes, the same guy who once said "[Jessica] just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!") grinning, clapping, and stroking his balls beside a video camera on a tripod in the background.


I mean, can you imagine these two getting it on?




And don't get me started on how John Mayer is a talented musician and songwriter and all that fanshit. Those things don't mean shit in the sack, you know what I mean? Think of it this way: This is Jessica Simpson all oily on a really bad hair day...




And this is John Mayer being a talented musician and songwriter and all that fanshit on a really good day...