Friendster subtexts

The grammar police was so hungry they ate punctuation marks

Let's all admit it, we never update our Friendster profiles for self-fulfillment. We never gain joy and shed tears of happiness from reading and rereading our useless profiles. The only reason we fill in those stupid blanks is to show off. We want to broadcast how cultured we are with our high-brow interests like, I don't know, poetry, landscape photography, old churches, the stars, sunsets, raindrops, and all that cheesy artsy fartsy shit. Or how smart we are because we read Milan Kundera and pretend to understand The Unbearable Lightness of Being just to compel others to ask, "Huh? What's that?" and laugh at them because they're so unintelligent unlike intellectual you who appreciates post-modern literature. Or perhaps we want to assert how cool we are because we think Hollywood movies are pure rubbish and everything indie is the shiznit.


That being said, if you're going to use Friendster to brag about how awesome you are, then for heaven's sake, do it well. Like these actual profile answers; I can only imagine what the hell their owners really mean by posting the following information:

Exhibit No. 1

Profile owner probably meant: "In reality, Dan Brown is Jesus. And in the same way that Jesus was able to walk on water and turn it into wine, Dan Brown made a retard like myself learn to read his holy words." On the other hand, this Dan Brown fan made me laugh—not at him, but with him:

Exhibit No. 2

Profile owner probably meant: "It's true; beauty and brains go together like fried chicken (thigh part) and a flat tire."

Exhibit No. 3

Profile owner probably meant: "I never get sex unless I pay for it, have the chick blindfolded in a non-kinky way, and cup my callused hands over her mouth."

Exhibit No. 4

Profile owner probably meant: "I thought the word 'fag' was spelled e-m-o."

Exhibit No. 5

Profile owner probably meant: "Sorry, typo! What I meant was, 'I thrive on eating books' because I'm a sad, lonely tub of lard with some sort of illness that makes think stacks of books are stacks of pancakes."

Exhibit No. 6

Profile owner probably meant: "My name is Erik Santos."

Exhibit No. 7

Profile owner (a man) probably meant: "I can go both ways."

Exhibit No. 8

Profile owner probably meant what she said, but check out this douche's testimonial for her:

Exhibit No. 9

Profile owner probably meant: "I mingle with sadness, I chase melancholy, and I romance loneliness all because I fucking lost my black eyeliner and black nail polish."

Exhibit No. 10

Profile owner probably meant: "Exhibit No. 9 is my soulmate. But exhibit No. 11 is my twin brother whose mere existence embarrasses me enough to prompt me into throwing myself off a cliff and into the cold, black, hollow arms of the angel of death who summons the soothing riffs of destruction and pandemonium with just a snap of her black nail-polished fingers."

Exhibit No. 11