A big box of emo crayons

Click for a larger view! (Now if only it was just as easy to enlarge tits or weiners)

Diyahe

In life, there's a shitload of things to be embarrassed about. Your weight. That single red zit people's eyes stray towards (but they try so fucking hard to look everywhere but there). Or accidentally saying "speel-pruf" instead of "spill-proof" out loud in front of a posse of coño Embassy regulars. But for this company fittingly named Jiahe, you should be self-conscious about your nose.

Fake tweezers: a pain in the ass to use

So they came up with the Jiahe Nose Up. According to the packaging, you ought to sell yourself to a bunch of stinky hairy old men to earn enough money to buy the product because "In order to make your nose clearer, more beautiful and full of happiness, this product is necessary for your nose!" Good heavens! I want my nose to be full of happiness! And so should you!

Queso de bola = bribe

According to this article on posted Yahoo, "It may be the season to hand out presents but Philippines government workers have been ordered not to accept Christmas gifts in order to avoid any appearance of bribery."


Yeah, like government officials will once and for all stop parading their huge-ass SUVs on jampacked pothole-strewn highways—and worse, use policemen and their earwax-liquefying sirens to weasel their way out of traffic jams. Or people from the LTO's St. Clare's drug testing center will cease from offering an "easier way" to score your driver's license as you pee your warm pee on that little plastic cup. Or quite simply, that corruption in the Philippines will finally die a quick painless death if that father of four who works at the city hall doesn't receive the fucking queso de bola, ham, or even that fugly customary white mug he'll only rewrap to give to his officemate next year (by that time, it'll be a customary cream mug). Well, all I can really say is...

Say what?

According to this article, Say Alonzo vehemently defends diss-magnet Sam Milby against claims that the collar-popping dude is gay. According to the story, Say told reporters: "I know 100 percent he's not gay!" She added: "Every time that they mention in the papers... Siyempre, nahe-hurt ako kasi kilala ko ‘yung tao and I know that he's not gay."


Say what? Moreover, Say who? Look, if some random chick went around telling people that they know for a fact that someone's gay or in this case, not gay, then I, some random chick with far superior writing skills, can go around telling the whole world that killing dolphins will earn you good karma (or for non-karma believers, a place in heaven)—and that broadsheets and websites should quote me because I'm a far credible source with better grammar and no loose screws in my head brought about by exposure to reality TV.


In any case, don't worry, Say (whoever the hell you are). We believe you. Sam Milby is not gay...


...He just takes pleasure in being poked from behind.

Raised collars

Manly, just manly.

I really don't understand why people—especially Filipino men—"tweak" their collars upward. I mean, hello? Is it that fucking cold here in tropical Philippines? If it is, can't you afford a freaking turtleneck shirt instead?


I dunno, maybe in the case of this guy right here, though, maybe he's just trying to hide a hickey—by Piolo or Uma, who knows?

Thank you, Britney

Dear Britney, despite all the upskirt brouhaha, there are many reasons to thank you. First, for creating classics such as "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops! I Did It Again." Second, for inspiring teenagers to achieve their dreams by dressing like hookers and dancing wildly in vain attempts of making their flat chests bounce like porn stars—only to give pedophiles reason to be thankful they're fucking alive. Third, for teaching us that despite our erroneous ways, we can always set things right as easily as filing for divorce a day after getting married. Fourth, for giving all the gold-digging men in the world hope that despite equal rights and education for women, they can still fool women into believing that gambling their ladies' hard-earned money and buying sports cars are acts inspired by true love. And fifth...

StarStruck rejects: in denial

...thank you, thank you, thank you for partying that fateful night with Paris Hilton from the bottom of the hearts of these men of Match.com who have never ever seen a woman's vagina in their entire lives.

Daniel Bedingfield versus James Blunt

It’s cheese versus cheese here in diss-anything.blogspot.com as mush master Daniel Bedingfield goes mano a mano with mopey meister James Blunt. Things are going to get ugly, real ugly here—tossing starry-eyed, puppy-love prose to each other, a brutal exchange of tear-jerking phrases that would make even Joe D’ Mango want to throw himself off a cliff, and an onslaught of strikes at Shift+F7 on the word “love.”

Miss Diss: Thank you for agreeing to this fund-raising face-off all for the benefit of the RAPE ME (RAise my PathEtic blog’s MEasly number of clicks) Foundation. So, what’s up guys? How’s life?

James: My life is brilliant.

Daniel: Why does my soul feel glad today?

Miss Diss: Uh, right. What do you think of each other?

James: My love is pure. I saw an angel, of that I’m sure.

Miss Diss: Er, that wasn’t my question.

Daniel: If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?

Miss Diss: Are you referring to me?

Daniel: If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?

James: She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man.

Miss Diss: Are you guys like talking about the same chick? Your girlfriend Petra Nemcova, James?

James: I won't lose no sleep on that, 'cause I've got a plan.

Daniel: I'll never know what the future brings. But I know you're here with me now. We’ll make it through.

Miss Diss: What the? Hey, are you talking about each other? Holy fuck!

James: You're beautiful, it's true.

Daniel: And I hope you are the one I share my life with.

Miss Diss: Gross!

James: I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do. 'Cause I'll never be with you.

Miss Diss: Don’t be so glum, there’s nothing KY Jelly or a stick of butter can’t remedy.

Daniel: I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand.

Miss Diss: ‘Cause you’re fucking gay, that’s why! Hey James, can’t you just go for Daniel’s hot sister, Natasha?

James: Yes, she caught my eye, as we walked on by.

Miss Diss: There you go! Then why do you keep on stealing glances at Daniel’s crotch?

James: She could see from my face that I was fucking high, and I don't think that I'll see her again,

Miss Diss: Uhm, okay. Ewww! Daniel! Were you just nibbling James’ ear?

Daniel: If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

James: But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Daniel: ‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right. And though I can’t be with you tonight, you know my heart is by your side.

James: But it's time to face the truth. I will never be with you.

Miss Diss: Hey, you can always go to Canada.

Fucking douchebags ruined my concept!

MaLing

In other words, Chinese spam.


If you've read my email exchange with Mr. James Brown, you shouldn't be surprised that I, yet again, am bitching about spam. Stupid fucking spam. And yesterday—surprise, surprise—guess what was in my inbox?

Click here for the bigger file

I was so fascinated with the Chinese characters and was simply touched that a stranger would go all Hallmark-y and "You've Got Mail" with me that I just had to reply...

Here for the full version

I'm a bitch. So shoot me. But the weirdness doesn't end there. This afternoon, I received hate mail!

The beginnings of a catfight here!

Hmmmm? I only posted mah Cha-nees spam rat now, so I'll just be a presumptious twat (and all other rude synonyms for the "c" word she used) and say that my hater is an angst-ridden emo-wannabe hater by day, full-blown Chinese spammer by night! Two fulltime vocations! A true career woman! A bona fide lady of the new millennium! Cosmo girl to the core! You go to hell, girl!


Hot damn, of course I was going to reply!

The closest thing to mud wrestling here!

I'm praying for a reply and again, promise to update you guys on this online catfight of sorts.

For your boss

When your boss peers at you from that chair that's obviously too big from him (because he enjoys the feeling of being in that damn oversized chair even if he looks like a balding dwarf in it; the same way that dirty old men in flashy sports cars assume that fast, colorful, and noisy machines would fool people into believing their schlongs are any bigger than a tube of Chapstick), don't you notice that he wears this expression that's a combination of skepticism, sheer loathing, and a painful look of holding back from passing gas? Well, chances are, 1) he indeed doesn't trust you; 2) he hates you to death; and 3) he's fucking keeping himself from farting in front of you.


If you're lucky, though, it's possible he doesn't abhor you (on the flipside, though, who knows if he has a crush on you?). It's just that he's so dying to break wind (that suspiciously smells like rotten eggs) but couldn't do it in front of his good ol' employee. If so, pity your boss and give him the best Christmas gift you could ever give him:




"You no longer have to be embarrassed by the untimely passing of intestinal gas among your friends or family. GasBGon has been designed and tested to absorb the odor and sound of flatulence. Malodorous gas is a naturally occurring event, obviously affecting some people more than others. Yet, clinical studies show that the average person produces one to three pints of gas and passes gas 14 times a day... Clean the air, not the room." Ahluvit!

Nice bag!

If the picture above was enough to catch your attention, make you want to finally post comments here, compel you to add this blog to your links list, inspire you to rummage through my archives because of your newfound love for this site, but most of all, to click on the shameless sellout AdSense links all over this page, then read no further; let the picture speak for itself.


But if you're that kind of discerning reader who wants to know the story behind the photo, the kind of person who enjoys reading FHM and not just gawk at the purrrty pictures, a human being who doesn't just fuck but rather, someone who "makes love," then read on.


This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Shopping Bag Bra. And yes, the chick above is shopping for veggies and French bread—in red lingerie. And you're so right; those crazy Japs are at it again. It's supposed to be for a good cause, though: "Each year, Japanese shoppers receive an estimated 30 billion plastic shopping bags, which, in terms of the oil resources needed to produce them, amounts to two giant tankers full of oil (millions of barrels). About 30% of these bags are thrown away without being reused, and since the consumption of plastic shopping bags contributes to environmental problems such as increased energy usage, trash buildup, and global warming due to CO2 released in the garbage incineration process, there are urgent calls to reduce their usage."


Think turning your hooded jacket into a bag or something to that effect. "When the bra is being worn, the 'shopping bag' portions are folded away inside the bra cups, where they serve as extra padding." So, if you see a Japanese chick in the mall with smaller norks (even if she can well afford a Wonderbra), you can be sure that she's just doing what she can to save the earth. Captain Planet will so have a hard-on.


The bra, which comes in red, blue, green, yellow and pink, is made from this thing called polyester fiber, which has been recycled from plastic bottles. Such a kinky thought, drinking C2 and imagining them plastic containers one day landing on someone's gazongas.

Duck!

Donald desperately wanted to go back to Peking

Now this is what I want. Way more than that stupid chicken. According to the product description, the Choke a Duck "[is a] happy duck [that] waddles around and flaps his wings to the tune of 'The Birdy Song'... it won't be long before you want to stop the annoying repetitiveness! Grab him up by the neck while dancing and he will scream and cluck like mad - flapping his wings and feet as you are gagging and choking him! No matter how many times you choke the duck, it's intent on finishing that damn tune! Choke a Duck is a fantastic stress reliever - you can vent your feelings by making the duck gag. It also makes a great 'practical choke....'" I swear to the heavens above, the last line was not mine.

Please, you just gotta see how this thing works here. Other variations I hope they come up with are:

- Choke a Useless Co-worker
- Choke an Unappreciative Boss
- Choke Lyn and Karlyn
- Choke a Call Center Agent Who Still Uses His/Her Newfound American Accent in Public
- Choke a Grumpy Old Lady Who Cuts in Fastfood Queues Just Because She's Old
- Choke Sun Cellular Customer So-called Service
- Choke Annoying Family First Agents in Malls
- Choke a Hale Fangirl
- Choke Hale
- Choke James Brown

An email exchange with Mr. Brown

So I checked my Gmail's spam folder and found the usual penis enlargement tablet/pump/voodoo spell as well as a number of other useless shit. But this email caught my attention:




If you're too lazy to click on it for a larger view, here's what it says, copied and pasted as it is:

Dear Friend Sir/Madam
Iam Mr.JAMES BROWN the SON of late MR. BROWN FRANCIS,the renowned Zimbabwean,wine and catle farmer.I know it might surprise you how I got your contact.I got it courtesy of Yellow Business Pages.
During the war waged against farmers in Zimbabwe by the supporters and cohorts of President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white owned farms in our country,my late Father's farms were among those targeted by the ZANU-PFarmed group.In the cause of revolution in Zimbabwe,the ZANU farmed group attacked and invaded my Father's farms,burned and destroyed his farm and eventually killed him
.After my father's death last year,I managed to escape to South Africa because my life was threatened and Zimbabwe was no longer safe for me.I escaped safely into South Africa with my father's life- time fortune of US$25Million[Twenty Five Million United States Dollars]in cash and other important documents of property title and other valueables as he instructed before his death.The money and the valueables were concealed and secured in one Treasure Box and was transported through Diplomatic means.The Box is currently safely secured in the vaults of a private security firm in South Africa. Presently,Iam residing temporarily in South Africa pending the outcome of an appeal filed on my behalf by my attorney to the South African Ministry of Internal Affairs to grant me a political assylum.I am in a dilemma of how to move this money safely out of the security deposit company for investments.Moreover,due to the government's stringent monetary policies regulations and the sensitive and volatile political situation,it would be most dangerous to attempt investment here,as such an attempt will jeopardise my chances. In recognition of your personal Executive Power and the investment opportunities that abound in your country,I solicit for your assistance in moving this money out of South Africa.I will also like to use this money for investment in your country.You will guard all my future investments in your country and it will be operated in a partnership level.You will be getting 20% of the investment capital moved to your country as your share for your assistance,The balance will be plunged into investment projects. Upon receipt of your indication of interest to go into co-operation with me,we will open up discussions on the best ways to reclaim the consignment containing the cash and other valueables and ways to invest in your country. Waiting for your urgent reply. Yours faithfully, MR. JAMES BROWN

And because I'm such a compassionate person who was conceived and born to make it to heaven where I shall fiddle with my own harp and headbang to the most angelic of psalms, I couldn't find it in my warm fluffy heart not to respond to the poor man. Here's my actual reply (no Photoshop whatsoever! I shit you not):

Click on it, you lazy mongrels.

I'm currently waiting for Mr. Brown's response. And I promise to update you guys as soon as he agrees to share his wealth with me.

Go nuts over Krispy Kreme donuts

"Donut buy!"

Okay, that was a lame title, don't you agree? Well fuck you if you do. Anyway, when I got to the office a while ago (late as usual), I saw boxes upon boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts—okay, doughnuts—saying "hi" and "eat me" to me. Turned out the Philippine franchise gave our department like over 20 boxes of sample doughnuts (prototypes, if you will) just because we're cute, suckers for freebies, hardworking (though always late for work), suckers for freebies, obnoxious, suckers for freebies, think we're better than everyone else, suckers for freebies, the best, and overall, we rock their world. And suckers for freebies.


I had to try really damn hard to feign disinterest towards those fattening rolls of sugar and carbs. But when someone offered me a piece, I of course didn't want to be rude and turn her down. However, because I didn't want to look like a pathetic hungry skinny hog, I had to try to sound intelligent by saying stuff like, "I didn't know they'll be open till November 30 in The Fort and December 1 in SM Megamall!" But because I was eating with such gusto, it sounded more like, "Mahmeemeemow nelmeemoomen chil momemer mirmy in mamort em mememer mon in m m memamall!" The first doughnut was gone by the second syllable of "memamall." Then she explained that we got samples because we're just cool like that.


The glazed doughnut wasn't bad at all. It was fucking fattening good. If there was any bread softer in the world, it would be a pandesal dipped in Blend 45 coffee—for like three days. Sorry Go Nuts Donuts, but it seems Momemer Mirmy will be the day of reckoning. And Hot Loops, well, it seems you really are the only thing in the doughnut universe that gives people headaches from all your sugar (and because of you, I didn't know MSG could be so sweet). But hey, don't expect too much—and go on saying that Krispy Kreme is soooo overrated thanks to smart asses like Miss Diss. It's just, well, nice, soft, and different.


And 30 fucking pesos per piece. I ended up eating P120 worth of flour, sugar, and carbs just because I knew they were worth P120.

Meet Pooki

Too much stress turned the poor thing red

"Cuddle up with Pooki. His unusual eyes and bewildered look make him instantly loveable, but you can't help but wonder, how far can he see with those eyes?"


Okay, there's absolutely nothing wrong or funny about this cuddly little animal/pillow/devil/sex organ sounding thing/alien. Unless of course, you've got a dirty little mind (why you naughty person you!) Otherwise, little Pooki (Say it with me: "Pooki. Poo-ki. Pooki!") is nothing more than your average WTF-looking novelty gift. See? No big deal. Even if I introduce you to...

One Big Pooki.

How to be like David Caruso

I don't get why a lot of people make fun of David Caruso. I mean, come on, look at him. What's there to ridicule about him? What's so funny about being as expressive as Steven Seagal? Anyway, because I have nothing but utmost respect for this scrawny redhead, here are tips for fellow David Caruso devotees who are just dying to be like him.


1. Quit a TV show during the height of its popularity to pursue the movie industry. Then star in a film that will foreshadow your showbiz career.

2. Try to look like Archie Andrews in dire need of Botox.

3. Make sure your character's skin remains as dark as bond paper even when your role lives in an area that's every inch a tanning bed.

4. Make the profoundest lines sound like clichés.

5. Utter clichés like you're Gandhi.

6. Impersonate a very malnourished Conan O'Brien.

7. If you're not fiddling with your sunglasses, make sure your hands are always on your hips (with a faraway look on your face, with the thought of a handful of lint on your mind).

8. Exert conscious effort to make your smile and your constipated expression look exactly the same.

9. Have a collection of Armando Caruso hankies even if it has no connection whatsoever to wanting to be like David Caruso.

10. Have really creepy beady eyes. Squint intensely to make aliens fly back to wherever they came from.


If you have any other suggestions, please share them for the good of all mankind. Thank you.

Self-explanatory

The dude who created the Steven Seagal Emotion Chart forgot the following expressions, though:

- posing for the customary wacky shot
- pissed
- drunk
- pissed drunk
- stoned
- shitting (constipated)
- shitting (diarrhea)
- has itchy 'nads
- being raped in the shower by 17 smelly inmates with boils on their butt cheeks
- in a DVD marathon of all his films, thus so embarrassed with himself that he wants to lie on the ground with rusty thumbtacks and fallen dandruff flakes and wait to be run over slowly by a military tank (he will live, of course)

Speaking of the devil...

Speaking of the ugly-ass Jude Law photo, what's the point of this blog's existence without an equally ugly-ass Sienna Miller picture as well? So here, take a fucking good look at it. Men should try wanking at the memory of her flashing her ass (and tits!) on Alfie. Then take a long, hard look at this photo again. You guys may just end up finishing off to a vision of Jude Law grinding half-naked to a Christmas tree, smiling.


Unless of course you like slapping the salami to an image of Martha Stewart as a wannabe Project Runway contestant (and model), creating avante garde (a more dignified and artsy fartsy way of saying "ugly") pieces using garbage bags and electric tape.

You'll never guess what this is!

Even the ugly duckling had reason to grin widely

Take a good look at this little doodad. It looks like a typical rubber ducky your baby brother or sister would put in their mouths with much gusto as if it really tastes like anything remotely close to ice cream, cake, or even corned beef (I suppose you can say the same about foreplay, hardeehar). But of course, the mere fact that it's here in diss-anything.blogspot.com means it's not your typical rubber ducky.


So, here goes our customary multiple choice guessing game. Is it:


a) A typical rubber ducky—only in not-so-typical gray.
b) A kitchen magnet to go with the classic banana, watermelon, grape, and miniature bottles of alcoholic drinks magnet designs on your ref (or is it just our ref?).
c) A vibrator.


I shit you not. The answer is letter C. And the product name is I Rub My Duckie. Really. "I Rub My Duckie doubles up as a playful waterproof rubber duck to keep you company in the bath which pleasantly contains a powerful vibrator which is fantastic for sensual stimulation which can be turned on or off by simply squeezing its back."


Don't ask me how it works or how to use it; I have no fucking idea. Let's all just agree that we now know why Ernie's rubber ducky is "the one" and makes "bath time lots of fun" (and let us not speculate on how he uses it, shall we?). I just hope that those who actually, er, rub this duckie don't leave it lying around the house for little kids to—gasp—shove in their mouths.


On a side note, I don't see how something that can actually pass for an infant's toy harbor any kinky thoughts. But then, of course, repressed women in denial without someone else's schlong to call their own would get off to bond paper.


+


Aha! Another one of my posts has made it to The Man Blog! For the one or two of you who were wondering how I do it (because you're super jealous that you've got a dick but I made it there first—snicker, snicker), it's simple, really. I write to entertain—not just others, but mostly myself. I love entertaining myself! So, yeah, being a selfish bitch pays. And besides, I'll never be jealous if someone else's (dick or no dick) post makes it there, as I have no aspirations whatsoever to be one of The Man Blog editors, anyway.


I'm just not into gay orgies. Nyahahaha!

Jude Law looks like shit

Jude Law was so hot in Alfie. Like so hot he could've given men hard-ons just by smiling his oh-so charming smile. But I'm not a man so to me, he was just plain hot.


And then this photo. I would've loved to write something like: "Oh, Jude, what have you done to yourself? Did the nanny of your kids watch too much Alfie that she had gotten so aroused by your oh-so charming smile that she couldn't help but lock your kids in their rooms and fuck the life out of you? Or was it because your kids' nanny had gotten so aroused by your oh-so charming smile that she couldn't help but lock your kids in their rooms and fuck the life out of you—and were caught by Sienna Miller that's why she left you, which is why you look so...distraught?"


But then when I glance back at this photo, I decide otherwise and write this instead: Look, to the person who sent me a link to this photo, thanks, but you really didn't have to go out of your way to claim that you had wanted to share photos of that hot guy named Jude Law from the film Alfie, when all you intended to do was to email me a photo of some white trash DOM with fucked up hair. Or maybe some smelly-looking Caucasian beggar about to beg for money to buy more by shabu knocking on some car's window and leaving mucus marks by pressing his nose against it.

Got balls?

Is this:

a) Silver-plated, fossilized arms of Mr. Fantastic after an accidental death that involved alcohol, a power saw, and an itchy ass.

b) A coffee stirrer for rich prudes to tickle them with the idea that, OMG, I'm actually using a hand to mix my espresso!

c) A nipple tickler.


Although the answer is none of the above, letter C comes pretty close. And no, sorry to disappoint you but this isn't a sex toy—except of course for pervs who get hard-ons from playing with extension cords. However, I think all you men out there will still love what blissful, eyelid-fluttering, ugly-silly-smile of contentment sensations this executive ball scratcher has to offer.


"When you get a twitch go straight for the itch! For the days when your own hands are just not precise enough, the gentleman's ball scratcher is in the shape of a delicate female hand making it ideal for those hard to reach places. The nine inch handle provides excellent extra length to help get around difficult obstacles (beer bellies, old pizza, empty beer cans etc) and can provide the intimate relief that so many crave," according to the product description. And knowing that it's shaped like a girl's hand instantly sets off a ding in my head that indeed, pervs who get hard-ons from playing with extension cords will absolutely luuurve this.


Okay, to be honest I really wouldn't know if this is like the next razor when it comes to men's products; because in the same way that men have been speculating since God-knows-when what it feels for a woman to orgasm, I've always wondered what it actually feels to: 1) have balls (the literal ones), and 2) to have super itchy balls.