Gifts for your materialistic GF

Michael Jackson FINALLY had a sex change

In behalf of the female population, I apologize to all the boyfriends in the world who have gold-digging biatches for girlfriends. However, I make no apologies for your stupidity in not knowing the difference between her hand going for your crotch and her hand going for your wallet when you're watching a movie or something.


But I won't tell you to break up with her. Because I don't want this to be an emo post. Instead, here's a practical guide for alternative gifts whenever your money hoe demands for the blingy shit.

No. 1: Expensive lingerie

She says expensive lingerie makes her feel sexy and therefore, when she feels sexy, she'll do you. Hard. Which is odd, because ripping off her So-en panties with your mouth should be more than enough to get her loins burning. Anyway, so she doesn't want Victoria's Secret. She wants the more upscale Agent Provocateur because she can't pronounce it correctly, therefore, it must be classy. But an Agent Provocatuuuyyyr bra costs about US$155. What to do? Get her...




Only US$20, this giant melon-holder is huge enough to knock her unconscious when you flick it at her. Then she'll have amnesia and suddenly forget all that crap about sexy lingerie making her feel randy (not Santiago). Best of all, when you hang it on your clothesline, your male neighbors will absolutely die with envy that you're screwing a chick such huge-ass knockers.

No. 2: Diamond earrings

Because diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend. Never mind that they're mined by malnourished Africans and given to corrupt militia groups who use the money to buy more guns and shit. So, in the spirit of fighting poverty, best get...




Unicorn earrings! Yey! They're only US$5.99 and your shallow girlfriend will absolutely gush at the sight of those horses with dicks on their heads. Because cutesy stuff will always get stupid chicks giddy. Like butterflies! And shit!

No. 3: Louis Vuitton bag

For some reason, an ugly US$965 bag will make her feel she looks nicer when rhinoplasty costs about the same amount. Stupid. But you think she looks awesome even without the bag (and especially without the clothes), right? And you will not pay for no stupid noselift, yes? Then get her this bag instead...




It's so hideous that when she opens it and sees the unicorn earrings inside it, she'll be so shocked at the change from super duper ugly to uber cutesy-cutesy she'd be moved to tears! Hooray!