Thursday, March 08, 2007

Smell this Vulva

The blonde chick from some obscure European country
wearing her G-string around her legs

A few years ago, a sample of Vulva came in the office mail. We weren't sure if it was a sincere gift to all our virgin officemates who have never seen/touched/smelled a vagina in their entire lives. But anyway, so there it was, and we had no idea what it was until we read the enclosed leaflet, which said:

"Vulva Original beguiles the senses with the scent of a real vagina, thus opening up completely new vistas for enhancing your sex life. Vulva Original lets you enjoy the scent of a woman anytime you want. It's easy to use: shake the Vulva vial well, and the fluid is also transformed to optically resemble the object of every man's desire. Then apply it to the back of your hand and sniff. Your libido will take care of the rest all by itself."

So, yeah, you're supposed to get a hard-on from smelling it. Now before you go scrambling for your credit cards, let me warn you that the scent, nay, the stench of Vulva is based on a European woman's coochie. Think, twice-a-week baths at best, hairy armpits, scary accents. And having had the dubious honor of actually smelling the product, I tell you, a non-prositute Filipina's love canal smells a lot better than Vulva aka a European chick's peepee.

The worst thing about Vulva is how the odor clings to you like a leech in a blood bank. Co-workers who have merely touched the vial couldn't get rid of the smell even after washing their hands with soap and water. They smelled like pussies the whole day. European pussies. Unfortunately, this blog isn't scratch-and-sniff so here's the closest thing to experiencing Vulva for yourself—make your own Vulva! And I have employed the services of this trusty dude for the project:

Angus MacGyver was too shy to show his pink nail polish

1 pair of running shoes
7 sacks of chili
1 angry middle-aged Arab man
1 really bad case of global warming
1 bottle of Gatorade
1 bottle of ammonia

The moment you see the Arab man yawning, shove the sacks of chili down his throat. Wait for the chili to digest as you wear the running shoes. Then stir a little conflict by calling the Arab man "Iraqi" or "Saddam." Make him run after you under the heat of the sun. When both of you are exhausted from all the running, allow him to drop to the ground as you try to gain back a little extra energy by drinking your Gatorade. When the Arab man falls asleep, lift his arm and get a good, long whiff of his wet armpits. Sniff the ammonia ASAP.

That's what Vulva is like. Aren't you glad you're Filipino?


ade said...

Ah yes. I do remember that stinky vagina thrust into my face years ago.

I mean, my friend remembers.

Cyberpunk said...

now this sounds gross...

and for the life of me, I don't get why anyone would market a pussy in a bottle...