Trump stomps on beauty queen's dreams

This is for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect actual events of people known to author other than fictitious aspects of her silly brilliant mind. Unless you really believe that I happened to overhear someone's conversation with Le Trump. In Meheeko. Anyway, any similarities are purely coincidental and unintentional.


Somewhere in Mexico a few days before the Miss Universe 2007 pageant...


Brown-raced beauty queen (BBQ): Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! How could this be? Why didn't I pass the preliminary round? This is unconstitutional! I graduated with honors in college! I am eloquent! I will become a future liar! Er, lawyer!

Donald Trump (BHD—Bad Hair Day): I am the god of the Miss Universe Organization. I have a wife with lovely norks.

BBQ: But Mr. Trump! I object! That has no connection whatsoever with my concern!

BHD: It's got everything to do with your petty concern. See, according to Wikipedia, the Miss Universe pageant was established in 1952—by a swimsuit company. Of course, at that time it sucked because I wasn't the god of the Miss Universe Organization back then. But anyway, yes, a swimsuit company.

BBQ: But I plead not guilty to your bizarre testimony!

BHD: I'm not done, low-pitched whiny bitch. Before I was rudely interrupted—which in my world, is enough reason for me to fire your skinny ass—as I said it was founded by a swimsuit maker. Thus, the preliminary round consists of the swimsuit competition.

BBQ: And so?

BHD: You're fired! I mean, you have no tits.

BBQ: Your reasoning is non sequitur! So what if I don't have huge gazongas? I am intelligent!

BHD: This is a beauty pageant. Read my Trump lips: bee-yoo-tee. You're a pretty girl, yes, but so is that burrito-eating hooker over there.

BBQ: Where?

BHD: There.

BBQ: Okay.

BHD: Okay.

BBQ: And?

BHD: And she's not a Miss Universe contestant. Even if she has big boobies.

BBQ: But that's exactly my argument! The distinguished panel of judges such as the "Bad Boy of Philippine Cinema" and some sexy actor grown men love wanking to can see how awesome I am! And I am a frickin' law student from our country's premier university. That should count for something.

BHD: I don't give a flying fuck if you're a law student from your third-world premier university. You're as flat as your sash. You can't properly fill a swimsuit unless you stuff it with torn pages from your law books. Or pieces of uncooked chicken thighs.

BBQ: How about the preliminary one-on-one interview, then? I delivered our valedictory speech, you know! Didn't I do well what with my intellectual reasoning and all?

BHD: Leave the declamation shtick to the Little Miss Philippines talent portion. You have no jugs.

BBQ: But cross examine me if you will, and you'll see that I'm the total package apt for the Miss Universe title!

BHD: The total package minus the funbags.

BBQ: You're unfair! This can't be! I'm an achiever! I will not sleep at night knowing I didn't ace something! I do not settle for anything less than excellent because I am on a plane beyond the mundane! Mediocrity is the pits! "Okay" is never all right! I am an outstanding member of society and I cannot settle for being a fucking Miss Universe reject! Mr. Trump! May I just remind you, I am an honors graduate! A law student! A Promil child, if you must!

BHD: Well, now that you've mentioned it, despite your non-existent rack, I think you'd do well...

BBQ: See? I told you! I'm that brainy I know everything!

BHD: ...in The Apprentice.