So, you want to be white?

What does it take to be white? Not just mestiza white, but you know, like bond paper white. I recently browsed Ebay.ph looking for unloved and unappreciated CDs (and okay, unloved and unappreciated designer clothes and bags, too), when I saw the listings for like a gazillion whitening products. There were like so many of them an entire municipality could turn Caucasian or albino in no time.

Apparently, there are many ways to get fair skin:

1. Magic – Magic cream, that is. And the funny thing is, there are actually “pirated” versions of this cream, thus the need for some brands to label theirs as “The Real” Magic cream. Apparently, “The Real” Magic cream whitens in as early as 5-8 days. In fairness to the product, though, it’s BFAD-approved. Like that actually means anything in this country, but hey, whatever.

The damage: P550 (approximately US$11). And I quote the exact product description on Ebay: “In cases of decline and sensitive skin reddening, mild itching, and short warm sensation may be felt during the third to seventh application. This reaction is normal and it means that the cream is working well on you.” Hey, isn’t that the same sensation you feel when you bathe in Clorox?

2. Mushrooms – Kojic acid comes from Japan. Kojic acid comes from several species of fungus, better known as mushrooms or that thing that makes your feet itchy as hell. Also, according to Wikipedia, “It is used on cut fruits to prevent oxidative browning, in seafood to preserve pink and red colors, and in cosmetics to lighten skin.” It’s confirmed: People and fresh squid have something in common. According to the Ebay.ph product description, “A fungal metabolic product, kojic acid inhibits the catecholase activity of tyrosinase, which is the rate-limiting, essential enzyme in the biosynthesis of the skin pigment melanin.” Sorry, but “fungal” is the only thing that I understood. Throw in some scientific jargon to sound more credible, eh?

The damage: P650 (approximately US$13) for a set, which includes soap, cream, astringent, and lotion. And again, as the product description goes: “Guaranteed result within 2 weeks of continuous use!” Okay, even if I end you end up smelling like, say, and athlete’s foot, that’s still considered a “result”, doesn’t it?

3. Drugs – There’s nothing more addicting than seeing your skin compete against oslo paper. In the cutthroat world of skin whitening products, you’ve got to aim for superlatives; if you want white skin, you’re just not white enough if you don’t look like humanized tofu. And the best way to achieve this is to start from the inside. Glutathione pills is considered a “master oxidant” and its side effect, get this, is the reduction of melanin. And supposedly, it has a lot of other health benefits, like prevention of cancer, heart disease, etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything in the supermarket has health benefits.

The damage: P800 to P1000 (approximately US$16 to $20) for a month’s supply, with the effect evident in two to three months, depending on how dark your skin is. Product note on Ebay.ph: “A person taking glutathione should take Vitamin C two to three times more than the dose of L-Glutathione. Why is Vitamin C needed? This is to keep Glutathione in its absorbable or reduced form. This will release the potential of Vitamin C’s derivatives whitening properties.” Okay, so one dose of Glutathione is about 1000mg. So you have to take like at least 4000mg of vitamin C? What the fuck? Unless you’re down with a cold, the maximum intake of vitamin C should be only 500mg a day (if you’re sick, 1500mg maximum). And you know what the side effect of vitamin C overdose is? Diarrhea. Like days of diarrhea. Now you know why those taking Glutathione are so fucking pale.

Hey, I’m not here to sermon anyone on the clichés of black is beautiful and all that patronizing shit. To be honest, I’m fucking glad I’ve got enough distant Chinese and Spanish genes to make me naturally fair. Besides, it’s not just that colonial mentality crap that’s to be blamed for people wanting to have fairer skin. Bluntly put, it just looks cleaner. I mean, a tan is A-okay—on those with light skin. Like tofu getting a bit burnt and looking yummier just like those breaded ones in Japanese restaurants.

But if you don’t care about skin whitening and embrace the way your skin is, then good for you! Your self-confidence will make you more attractive in other people’s eyes. But if you have the money to spend and the willingness to endure the side effects, who the hell am I to stop you?