American Idol does the Philippines

"He farted, not I!"

This season of American Idol is a snoozefest. Of course there are undeniably talented contestants—not to mention the token rocker, the token sex symbol, the token talented big black singer, and the token sucky singer. (And of course, I'll still watch each and every episode) But the funny thing is, even if some of AI's singers suck, they sing way better than some of our very own reality TV slash singing contest winners. See, here in the Philippines, I absolutely don't get why everyone's trying to sound like Regine Velasquez. Is being an overrated singer like the measure of singing success here? There's a difference between a high-pitched shriek and singing, you know.


But anyway, you know what would be awesome? If the AI judges Randy, Paula, and Simon would drag their asses over here to critique the crap out of our talent contest winners. Oh! And whaddayaknow? They just did!


Terenterenten terenteren tereeeeen (or whatever that sounds like the AI theme song)...


Ryan Seacrest: First up, we have Sheryn Regis singing "Come In Out Of The Rain"!


Randy: Ya know, it was aiiiight. A little pitchy in some spots, it wasn't bad. Just a little pitchy. It was just okay for me, dawg.


Paula: *hic!* First, I have to say that you look beautiful tonight. Your dress, jewelry, makeup, and especially the cosmetic surgery. You look beautiful! *hic!*


Simon: Wendy Moten, the original voice behind the song, is probably wailing wherever she is right now. Remember, this is a singing competition, not a shouting competition. Very karaoke, it was ghastly!


Ryan Seacrest: Next is Rachelle Ann Go, performing "Don't Cry Out Loud."


Randy: Yeah, well, it was an okay performance. Watch out for your vibrato when you go, "Don't cry out loud. Just keep it insayiyiyiyide," ya know? You're not Axl Rose. For me dawg, it didn't really blow me away. It was just, ya know, aiiiight.


Paula: Wow, that dress! You look so beautiful. You're radiant. You really shine on stage. You look like a star. Your rhinoplasty is terrific. *hic!*


Simon: I don't mean to be rude, but it was very cabaret, too karaoke for me, very unoriginal, like a performer in some Filipino singing contest. Uhm, yeah.


Ryan Seacrest: Now here's Jonalyn Viray with "Get Here."


Randy: There were a couple of pitch problems here and there. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't just working for me. It was just aiiight, dawg.


Paula: You look amazing tonight. That dress looks incredible on you. You're a beautiful person in and out.


Simon: It was just okay. You sing okay, you hit the notes, but you're completely forgettable. What's your name again? Jonalyn? Maybe if you spell it with an H, people would remember you.


Ryan Seacrest: Let's welcome Frenchie Dy with "Raindrops Will Fall."


Randy: Props to our background singers! Listen, Frenchie, ya know, it was an okay performance. A little pitchy in some spots, ya know, you don't have to oversing some parts. It wasn't that good for me. It was aiiight.


Paula: [Cries] Whatever these guys say, you look absolutely stunning. You're beautiful! *hic!*


Simon: The dress, the song, they make you look older. Let's be honest here, it just wasn't that good and I think you'll be in trouble tomorrow. And truly, raindrops will fall as the heavens will cry their bloody eyes out after that awful performance.


Ryan Seacrest: And last but not the least, Erik Santos with "This Is The Moment."


Randy: It was good, a little pitchy in some spots, but it was aiiight.


Paula: Teehee! You're cute! *hic!*


Simon: You will sell more albums than any Idol contestant in the face of the planet—if you promise to include naked pictures of yourself and your crushes Sam Milby and Piolo Pascual doing yoga or something in your album cover.